6.24.2011

Don't Eat the Fruit the Serpent Gives You

For those of you that know me well, you will find this hilariously amusing. For the rest of you, let me introduce you to my disturbing reptile disorder. You see, for as long as I can remember I have had a fascination with snakes. Let me stop there and clarify so I don't sound like child of the corn. Not a demonic fascination with the actual slithery thing, more so an aesthetic appreciation of the stylized, Cleopatra-y, Egyptian influence type motifs and, of course, the luxurious look of it on a fine piece of footwear. Maybe it stems from the fact that according to my place mat at the Chinese restaurant I ate at once I am "year of the snake" (now I don't read, buy into, or keep up with all that zodiac, Chinese fortune, astrological stuff- not knocking it if you do, just not my beliefs but I have to admit, I like the way it sounds...and most of it is fairly accurate):

"People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. . Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. " {Source}

Anyways, back to my disorder, so despite the fact that I was a Girl Scout for years and did the whole outdoorsy-camping-pay-my-dues-to-wildlife schpeel Mother Nature has a vendetta against me and my family. My sister, for example was viciously attacked by jellyfish for roughly 5 summers in a row, and my other sister was attacked by a pig as a child....I know, weird. But me? Snakes. An ancient curse has been put upon me and I am forever doomed....because of this ring:

I saw this ring several years ago and basically threatened and bullied my sister (don't judge) into getting it for me for Christmas because I thought it was rad as heck and didn't want to buy something for myself so close to the holidays (1st mistake). Roughly 7 months later (end of May-ish) I was walking my dog with my boyfriend in the middle of suburban America after dinner in flip flops (because it's hot, and I wasn't accustomed to stomping around in hiking boots for fear of my life a-la Steve Irwin) when all of a sudden I felt a pinch on my toe.....(Now I am going to share this whole long story with you because in hindsight it's hilarious and I wish we had it on video because we would have won a million dollars).

The pinch didn't hurt..kinda like a bug bite so I merely paused for a second and then continued walking. Two steps later I was overcome with the most intense wave of pain I have ever felt. I folded over to catch my breath and there it was on my toe...two fang marks. I looked up quickly and sure enough a baby snake was slithering across the road. It had been hiding in the strip of grass between the sidewalk and road. My eyes were like saucers. I dropped my dog's leash in shock and he began to scamper off. Coming to I began screaming hysterically at Matt. I GOT BIT BY A SNAKE! I GOT BIT BY A SNAKE! THERE! THERE! OMYGOSH! PUPPY! GET MY DOG QUICK! GO SEE WHAT KIND OF SNAKE IT WAS! CALL MY DAD! My poor boyfriend was frantically running all over the road with my dog in one hand and his iPhone in another crouched over and hopping trying to see what kind of snake it was so we could tell the doctors all the while I am screaming by bloody head off in terror and jumping up and down. My neighbor is standing in his yard seeing all this and later told me he thought we were jumping and screaming with the phone because we won a radio contest....wow. So then Matt calls my parents (who were putting together some Ikea furniture so tension and stress was already high) who proceed to speed down the road with the whole family piled into my dad's pickup truck? My dad throws me (literally) in the passenger seat and throws (literally) my boyfriend, dog, and sister (not sure where she came from) in the truck bed and we speed off to the ER like a bunch of hillbillies. Now, it was actually excruciatingly painful and scary..apparently baby copperheads are more potent that adults (naturally) and I had to stay in the ER all night because the venom severely thinned out my blood and they thought they were going to have to keep me for several days...then my foot and leg were three times their normal size and I couldn't walk for almost three weeks and had phantom pains for up to five months....but I digress..the image of my totally freaked out hillbilly family is beyond amazing.

After this happened I brushed it off as a freak accident that would only occur to me and likened myself to now having super human powers and undeniably vicious and fierce style (you know like when Spiderman got bit by the spider) and proceeded forth with my snakeskin fascination continuing to acquire various accessory items over time such as shoes, belts, and a purse (which my lovely bf got me because he couldn't kill the snake that got me).


Then I featured this super amazing serpentine drawer handle the other day in this post...


AND THE CURSE RETURNED

There was a snake in the garage yesterday! Long story short there was a nest of baby birds living in garage...sister goes outside...bird falls out of nest...sister goes to help bird which fell in wood pile...went to move "black rope" to find bird..."black rope" wasn't a rope...sister hyperventilates...call father to come...45 minutes later father is doing a tribal dance in garage whaling shovel into ground...snake is r.i.p....no baby bird found...but no lump in snake stomach...hopefully it escaped...sad sad story

So, hope you enjoyed that painfully long story of my crazy family
Here are some serpent inspired interiors and decor...but be careful, as charming as they appear, sometimes they bite!

This picture of Tamara Mellon's upper east side apartment featured in Harpar's Bazaar totally freaks me out slash fascinates me...I guess the mega mastermind behind Jimmy Choo needs inspiration for her python heels?


Vinyl snakeskin accent wallpaper? Yes please! So chic.

Other vinyl wallpaper; lovely Rachel Zoe cuff that has a distinctly Egyptian feel; printed plates and serving trays for a seductive affair; snakeskin patterned rug; bright and punchy belt; Louboutin's and look for less Jessica Simpson's; Silver bathroom cups and jars have a pick-your-poison allure; vintage french snakeskin purse (to die for!)



I just got this fab ring that I have been eyeing for some time now since I fell in love with Rachel Zoe's Cartier one... as far as I know the only Panthers in Charlotte are our football team but if you hear of a random attack anytime soon you will know it was me and that the curse has transferred over into this cocktail ring. 


Here's to avoiding zoos,



2 comments:

  1. Christina, this story is hilarious. I'm sorry you got bit by a snake but glad you can laugh at it now!

    I had a dream the other night that a snake ate my cell phone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Sarah, it's okay because now I am Snakewoman...I am glad the snake ate your phone and not you!

    ReplyDelete

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